Lift Me Up

Hold me up in the palm of your hand
Lying to you is a river of sin
Your metaphors, your silent calls
Your feelings are too real
Let them spew, a fall from grace
Would do us good today
I'll lift you up, we can love or cry
Hey, I'm in love, I'll take you up again
Oh, oh...

All that to you in a church by the sea
We're late, but not in the same way
We're older today


I'll lift you up, we can love or cry
Hey, I'm in love, I'll take you up again
Your eyes have too many colours and I can only try
Your energy could be runnin' low, now
The juice is dry
Oh, oh...

Images we cannot leave behind
Like two riversides we roll back
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Lift me up
In the palm of your hand
Lying to you is a river of sin, oh...
Your metaphors, your silent calls
Your feelings are too real, oh...
Let them spew, a fall from grace
With your love you had today, oh, oh hey...

~Live
Up

Right Where I Need To Be

So I have found that small hint of clarity in my life over the last few days and let me tell you just how freeing it can actually be.

I am right where I need to be. I am financially stable, I have a good job, I have a nice house, a good relationship with my kids and family, I have finally let go of Justin and alot of the hatred I felt for him and I now can actually deal with him on a friendly and adult level which I haven't been able to do in a very long time.

I have also come to the realization that Enoch is not ready for a relationship....With anybody, let alone me, but that still doesn't mean I don't think hes worth waiting for because YES........the man is worth it! And I have found the patience I need to wait.

So all in all , Clarity is a wonderful thing and I'm grateful to finally have found some!
Now maybe I wont appear to be running around with my hair on fire!

To Love And To Be Loved

To have a man that I loved say to me.................

"Live in my heart, and pay no rent."
(Oh how very Irish and romantic *Sighs*)

I would then say to him..................

"Tis a lonely wash with no man's shirt in it."
(The Irish have such a lovely way with a turn of phrase)

But from these simple Irish sayings of love and affection my mind turns to the more poetical leanings of some great Irish romantic poets....................

Sheridan, Yeats, and Moore, among others


"Won't you come into the garden? My roses should like to meet you."
~Sheridan

"Love hath a language of his own - A voice, that goes
From heart to heart - whose mystic tone
Love only knows."
~Thomas Moore


Ah Love!
Could thou and I with Fate conspire
To grasp this sorry Scheme of Things entire,
Would not we shatter it to bits --- And then
Re-mould it nearer to the Heart's desire!
~Edward FitzGerald



Had I the heaven's embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths,
Of night and light and the half-light,
would spread the cloths under your feet;
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
~William Butler Yeats

It is this last poem that moves me
This last poem is what I long for
A man to tell me he has given me everything including his dreams.

My Afternoon

Ive just spent a really good enjoyable afternoon with a new friend.
His name is Jeff
He is very sweet, very handsome and alot of fun.
He was very much the gentleman and opened my door for me and bought me lunch and was just about as nice as you can get.
I have just realised how much I genuinely miss nice men!
I opened up to this guy right away and we drove around in his truck just talking.
Its amazing how much you can learn from someone in the space of an hour when you feel at ease and very comfortable around someone, even though they may be a relative stranger to you.
He is just home from Afghanistan and all I have to say is I'm so glad I answered his email!
Well here's to a new adventure!

Chasing Pavements

I've made up my mind,
No need to think it over,
If I'm wrong I aint right,
No need to look no further,
This ain't lust,
This is love but,
If I tell the world,
I'll never say enough,
Cause it was not said to you,
And that's exactly what I need to do,
If I'm in love with you,

Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If I knew my place should I keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

I'd build myself up,
And fly around in circles,
Wait then as my heart drops,
and my back begins to tingle
finally could this be it

Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere


~Adele

So Tell Me, Is My Hair On Fire?

I don't know why,
Its only Saturday after all
And I have this whole beautiful day in front of me to do just as I please
Plus tomorrow is wide open for me as well,
But I am dreading going back to work on Monday

Oh and FYI
No, My hair is not on fire
I do take care of myself
And these are issues I did not ask for nor did I bring them on myself
I could see your point if this drama was brought about onpurpose
But it wasn't
It is just bad timing and rotten luck

I could say the same about you as well,
You have only been home for two weeks
And because things haven't fallen completely into perfect place
You are stressing way too much
You will get a job,
You will get a truck,
You will get a place of your own
You need a little bit of time to readjust and calm down a bit and everything will all fall into place

Just remember you don't have to do it by yourself
I know that's what your use to and your stubborn as shit but there are people who love you that is offering a helping hand.
Enoch, You have a friend in me,
USE IT!

Spring, New Beginnings

Today is the spring equinox and that means new beginnings.
A fresh start
New life
New joys
New happiness
New love
Or taking an old love and making it new

Phones computers and other karmically lined oddities

With me being out of work for almost the month of March, Lets just say money is tight right now. The cell phone got shut off yesterday cause I just couldn't afford it right now, but I should have it on again within a few days, the PC died last Saturday and I cant afford to get it fixed or replaced until my tax refund gets in.

I believe it is Karma telling me I need to take a break from the whole electronic thing for awhile. I had found myself online much more than usual gaming and writing and RPing. It really was taking up alot of my time that should of been spent elsewhere. Its not so bad up here at the library, it gives me time restraints so I have to get off when the timer tells me to. LOL

Its also a blessing in disguise that my phone was turned off. I found myself completely attached to that tiny hunk of mettle. I needed a break from alot of outside stimulus that the phone was bringing into my life. I needed a break from certain people. I miss him dearly and want nothing more than to talk to him but Karma (and I) think that I need a small break from him. What is the old saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." I believe this to be true. Karma told me enough for now and I appreciate it! Karma can be a bitch but thankfully she is my friend.

Yesterday Terri told me a few interesting things about what is going on with me. She said I have picked up a new spirit guide. A Drill Sargent type of man who is here to get me on the right track without me arguing with him. "Ours is not to reason why, Ours is but to do or die!" She told me that if I listen to him and hold on to my grandmothers words of love and advice I will be a very happy individual and everything that I need and want in my life will come to fruition. My problem is I am very much like Verruca Salt "I Want It, And I Want It Now!" So the one thing I am working on right now is my Patience. If I can over come my impatient issues so much will be opened up to me and those that I love will come back around.

The Spring Equinox is this Friday and Ive planned a big party and ceremony with my friends of the Wicca persuasion for Ostera. I'm very excited about this and its going to be very special this year. Terri let me know that if I worked my special kind of magic that I have on Thursday night it will be very likely that the Universe will be very kind to me and send me just what I want. I'm working hard right now on a new Ostera ceremony right now and it will be beautiful and very magical.

Terri also told me to not worry anymore about asking for just what I need to get by, its time for me to reach for the stars, to go all out and be grandiose. So I am going to be! She told me I'm done paying Karma, its time for Karma to pay me! I love Terri.

Happy Ostera All

Relationships, Work, Computers, Car Wrecks and other messed up things

So the PC at home died and I don't know when I'm gonna be on the web again.
I think its Karma telling me to take a break.
The only reason I'm here now is I took my kids up to the library to check out some books and check my ever growing email.

I saw Terri today and she says I'm right where I need to be.
Enoch will be back around shortly and to just be patient with him. She says my gut feeling is right about him. "Always stick to your gut Amy" She says that she sees him around me and my children for a very long time. She says I just need to be patient. I would wait for him for ever.

I had my stitches out of my head yesterday and my memory is starting to return so things are looking up there. my car however is totaled. The car was paid off and the insurance bought it for 6 grand, so there's a bright spot.

I don't have to be back to work till Monday. Now if my taxes would just get here everything will be just grand.

Don't know when I can get back on here and update but it will be soon

To Put The Bad Behind And Look Towrds The Good

So yesterday was one of the worst days that I’ve been through in a very long time. It was even worse than the day in January of 08 (Anyone that knows me. You know exactly what I'm talking about.) It was even worse than the day I spent just this last January. (Enoch and my Ex know exactly what I'm talking about here as well.)
I think it was worse for me because I struggled through this horrible day all by myself.

Now it’s not that I'm alone because I'm not. Its just that I felt alone and that's one of the worst feelings in the world. I have many friends and family that love and care for me, It’s just that yesterday it seemed that everyone was just unavailable. Work, school, other commitments and the like, completely understandable, yet still disheartening. So I did what I had to do and yes I made it through this horrible day to a bright, new, warm and inviting day.

I almost feel kind of silly because in the new light of day the things I struggled with yesterday seem so small and insignificant but I do have this horrible habit of making mountains out of molehills at times. Yet the problems I was facing yesterday didn't seem so much like molehills as they did the Andes.

But because I struggled up these mountains of issues by myself I am that much more stronger and much more capable because of it.

I had a nice long talk with Enoch about things yesterday and can I just say this man really is my best friend. He has this way of helping me get things put into perspective. When I told him some of what was going on with me yesterday the first thing out of his mouth was, "I'm taking lunch in an hour, I'll be right over and well see what we can do." Now granted I didn't need him to come over but still that is just the kinda guy he is and I'm one lucky woman to have this incredible man in my life.

But sometimes on the downside he has this habit of trying to fix things that he just can’t fix. For as much as I truly love his opinion and all his help and for as much as I truly need him now and then he sometimes feels the need to try and fix my issues when they don't need fixing. Sometimes problems just need a little bit of time and patience to work themselves out and some problems I just need to take care of on my own. Sometimes all I need is an understanding ear and a comfortable shoulder to cry on. Which he always gives to me when I need it. And even with this need he has to fix things that he just can’t fix, I still love him for it and I'm so grateful to have him as my best Friend.




One of the major reasons I am in such a good mood today with a brighter outlook on my life is because of some incredible friends I have in my life right now, Enoch is one and truly the most important, He is the one I truly love and could give my heart too. But there is this friend I have who lives in Missouri my buddy Double D. I’ve gamed with him for more than six years now and he is like a brother to me. He will tell me like it is and pull no punches with me. He is also a Druidic Centennial and Gate Keeper for his order and a very gifted individual. He also has this very gifted ability to call or show up just at the right moment. So last night when things were getting hard for me, he called. The first word out of his mouth was "Who's fucking with you and what can I do to help?" Now that's a killer friend right there.

Yes someone has been fucking with me. Over the last week or so ever since Enoch came home I’ve been psychically attacked. Someone screaming at me in my sleep, draining me of all psychic power. This individual is also a dream walker and is appearing in my dreams and its making night time a very difficult thing for me. This individual is so very angry at me that they have now resorted to sending a great deal of negativity my way. (Hence the car wreck, the 40 some odd stitches in my head, the truck incident yesterday and issues with family and friends that just shouldn't be happening.)

So I digress, Double D was able to pick up on this yesterday. When things came to a crisis point was when DD came riding up in his shining armor on his white horse ready to kick some ass in my defense. (All I have to say is Rosalie is a very lucky woman to have him. They are so cute together.) We discussed who is doing this and what our best course of action and defense is going to be. It is such a lovely thing to have a Druidic Centennial as a friend. So I guess in other words, this individual who is seriously messing with my life and happiness right now will not be such a happy camper when Karma finally catches up with her.





After our conversation I sat and thought and meditated on a few things. With what Enoch had said and helped me with and the help and love I got from Double D I went to sleep last night with a renewed sense of purpose and a lifted spirit and higher hopes for the morning.

And it didn't let me down. I slept like a rock and when I woke up this morning the sky was blue and the sun was shining and the snow is melting and there is a warm breeze coming from the west. My spirits were lifted and I have felt the best I have in months.

So one last little thing to share is that Flogging Molly is one of my favorite bands (I'm way into Irish Punk) and as I was surfing through YouTube this afternoon and I came across this video and it pretty much tells how I'm feeling and what I need to do to keep things in perspective
Enjoy





drank away the rest of the day
wonder what my liver'd say
drink, thats all you can
blackened days with their bigger gales
blow in your parlor to discuss the day
listen, that's all you can

ah but don't, no don't sink the boat
that you built, you built to keep afloat

sick and tired of what to say
no one listens anyway
sing, that's all you can
ramblin' years of lousy luck
you miss the smell of burnin' turf
dream, that's all you can

ah but don't, no don't sink the boat
that you built, you built to keep afloat

singled out for who you are
it takes all types to judge a man
feel, that's all you can
filthy suits with bigot ears
hide behind their own worst fears
live, that's all you can
it's all you can
it's all you can...do

no matter where i put my head
i'll wake up feeling sound again
breathe, it's all you can
tomorrow smells of less decay
the flowers greet this bloomin' fray
be thankful, that's all you can

ah but don't, no don't sink the boat
that you built, you built to keep afloat


a ripe old age
that's what i am
a ripe old age
just doin' the best i can

Him

So there's this guy.
And this guy means the world to me.
I met him back in April and I've never looked back

The fact of the matter is I asked the Universe for this man
And I think the universe granted me my greatest wish
I had been dating a bit and realized the men I was dating were not who I wanted to be with
They were not the type of men that I wanted to share my life with
So one night when I new I was ready to find my best friend I sat down and created a spell
A petition to the Universe
It was a very powerful creation of my own design
Alot of work and planning and care went into this spell
I was very specific about this person I wanted in my life
I would not settle for less
Then when I knew it was right, when the moon was just right on the right night
I went out into nature and I created a natural alter
I chanted and meditated for hours
I gathered my ingredients and tools
I then made my sacrifice to my Goddess Bridget
And I sent this spell into the Universe
Three nights later I was spending one of the best nights of my life with this man that I asked for

We met up in the bookstore
I was on the second floor and I saw him walk in and my heart stopped
There was this giant of a man, Tall and Thick and Large and Oh so very handsome
He was physically just as I described in my petition

I walked downstairs and and we met by the Starbucks
He had on these goofy glasses and my heart melted
He was so handsome and when he hugged me I just melted in his big arms
There was defiantly something about this man
Something very definite and good and right
He ordered a coffee and then promptly spilt it all over the counter
This guy was a keeper

We spent the evening together and it was fantastic
We talked and learned so much about each other
We found that we had alot in common
And I knew that this was a man I wanted to have in my life
The more I learned about him the more I knew this was whom I had petitioned the Universe for

Weeks went by and we talked and went out and had alot fun together
We learned so much about each other and we had such great communication
Then at the end of April he left to Ft. Benning
I honestly thought it was gonna be the last time I saw this man
He had renewed his contract with the Army for 8 years

Weeks went by and I hadn't heard from him
I then thought I really never was gonna hear from him ever again
I took my time and experience with him and kept it close to my heart as a wonderful memory

Some time went by
I thought maybe it was time to redo the petition
Tweak the spell a little bit

So about a month after he left I again went out into nature
I again made a natural alter
I again chanted and meditated for hours
I again gathered my ingredients and my tools
I again made the sacrifice to my Goddess Bridget
And again I sent this spell into the Universe

Three nights later on a warm evening in May I was on my way home from work and my thoughts drifted back to Enoch
I realized I really missed him and I wondered how he was doing
I went to bed that night thinking of him and wishing I could hear from him again

The next morning I woke up to my phone ringing
And guess who it was
That's right
Him
He had been sent home on a medical furlow due to an injury
And he wanted to know if he could see me
Of course he could see me
Silly boy

We spent a a good day up little cottonwood canyon
We spent alot of good days after that
We talked alot and did alot of fun things with each other
The communication between us was good
It was a good summer with him
I knew then that the Universe sent him to me in request of my petition
He was everything I ever asked for
This wasn't one of those hopeful feelings
This was a deep down in my gut kinda feeling
One of those positive absolutely sure feelings
I only had this kind of feeling twice in my whole life so I knew it was real

Then one day about the end of July He had new orders
He was off to Ft.Benning again and this time for good
So we thought
But this time we kept in touch
We grew closer and learned even more about each other

Around October I went to see my spiritual adviser
A wonderful and gifted psychic and witch
She then confirmed for me that yes, This man was the one
That Yes, The Universe sent him to me
And that the Universe sent me to him
She also said that he would be home by February

Then Christmas came
News of him coming home for the holidays came with it

He walked into my house and hugged me
It once again felt like home
Comfortable and right and natural
I made him a huge blanket to keep him comfortable on hard nights in Georgia
And we had a good Christmas
It was then I learned that he would be coming home for good in the middle of February
He had gotten his medical discharge and he was done
(The Army had other Ideas and didn't let him come home till March But still!)

Somethings happened around January
Life got very hard for me
Hard enough to make it hard on Enoch
We had to step back and re-evaluate a few things
Took a break from each other
But we soon realized that our friendship meant more to us than stupid arguing
Things became back to as close to normal as they could be
I had my best friend back

I saw him again for the first time since Christmas this last Saturday
Damn did he look good
We talked and hugged and spent a good afternoon together
I missed him
Old feelings had started to resurface
But this time around I need to be patient
Ive been told that he is worth waiting for
And I know that deep down in my heart
And I would wait forever for him
But what the Universe gives it can be so easily be taken away
And I wont let that happen this time
I cherish my friend Enoch
I never want him to leave my life
I know in him that I will always have the best of friends
I know in him I will always have that trusted confidant
The one person I can tell anything too
The one man I could truly give my whole entire heart to
And I hope one day, If the Universe grants it, We can be just more than best friends

"The Week Behind And The Week Ahead" or "How I Rediscovered My Best Friend Then Hurt My Head"

Where do I even begin about this week? How it started? How its ending? I guess I should start at the beginning.
It started out in the most fantastic way. I had spent Friday with my kids just goofing around. Well Friday night I was sitting on the couch at home with the kids watching a movie when I got a call from Enoch. We were just chatting and I realized it was about 9 o'clock my time which meant It would of been 11 o'clock his time in Georgia and I was curious as to what he was doing up so late. He then replied he was no longer in Georgia but back home in SLC and wanted to know If he could steal me away for a few hours. I knew he was gonna be home soon I just didn't know it was this soon and if it hadn't of been for the kids being over I would of flown over to him in no time. But he was cool about it and I saw him on Saturday afternoon instead and what a fantastic Saturday afternoon it was. He looked so good and so happy to be home and I just couldn't keep my hands off of him. LOL. We talked alot and just hung out and it was an amazing afternoon and I really realized then just how much I missed him and just how happy I was that he was finally home and on his way to being truly happy. I was so scared to see him when he called up and said he was five minutes away, but once I felt his arms around me again it was like truly being home and it felt so comfortable and so natural and right. All I have to say is no one dose the things to me that this man dose.

So Sunday I went to work and had a good time with my friends. Sundays at Comcast are so easy going and really makes the work week start out just right. I love my friends that I work with and they are the main reason I show up there every day like I do. I can always count on Arlin to do something outrageous right in the middle of a call just so we would all stop and laugh. Chuck with her ten dollar words and Keighley, There are no words to describe that girl, She has to be my non identical twin sister that was born 14 years later than I was.

Monday was pretty much the same as Sunday, Other than the thoughts of Enoch now being as close as he is and the fun great afternoon we spent on Saturday kept me going with a smile throughout my day.

Then Tuesday morning rolls around. I get up and get ready for work with my same trepidations about Comcast but with joy at the thought of seeing my friends when I get a call saying the phones are down at work you don't have to come in.........Joy oh Joy! I head up to Burger King and grab a bite of breakfast and head back home where I immediately get on the phone and call Enoch to let him know my whole day has opened up and a half hour later we were sitting on my couch doing what we do best! That was the absolute high point of my day.

2 hours later Enoch heads for his place and I head down the street in search of something else to eat. (This has been a great wake up call to me about keeping my house fully stocked with groceries so i can stay home more instead of out foraging for food.) As I approached 11th east on Ft. Union Blvd I came across a wreck in the middle of the road.I slowly went around it and was checking out the damage to the front end of a range rover when the car in front of me slammed on his breaks and I swerved and hit my breaks but I still rear ended him. The air bag didn't deploy and the seat belt didn't catch and I hit the steering wheel. The last thing I remember was a man making me hold a shirt to the side of my head and him telling me to hold the fuck still. The next thing I remember was that I was in the ambulance and on my way to the emergency room. I was crying and asking the paramedics to find my mom and to please find Enoch. There was alot of blood. I could feel it running down my face and in my hair and down my back.

3 hours after that and about 30 x-rays of my neck and a MRI of my head My parents were taking me home to there house with a head full of about 40 stitches and one nice looking black left eye. My car is no more and I'm home from work till Monday.

Im just thankful that all I got was a head full of stitches and a black eye. The other driver was just fine and he had minimal damage to his car. Ive posted a pic or two I'm my myspace profile of the lovely Frankenstein look I'm now sporting for the next couple of weeks till my head heals up.

But for now I'm just trying to stay off my feet and heal up and hopefully Enoch will be back around in a day or two to kiss my owie better and give me one of those hugs that only he can give. Then I'll get back to work and watch Arlin's face as I show him the big long gross bloody cut on my forehead. (He is a Wuss when it comes to gross things like this) and life will calm down and things will get back to normal!