Love Me Like Johnny Loved June

You are my best friend. 

I have never felt a connection to another person like I have with you. 

You're the one I've chosen. I'm the one you've chosen. 

We chose each other centuries upon centuries ago and we keep choosing each other over and over again. 

Yes, you fight against it at times. That's the soldier inside of you saying, It's my way and not God's way. 

I asked a mystic once why falling in love with you has been so hard. He smiled his mystical smile and stated "Because this is right!"

Being in love with you is one of the hardest things that I've ever been through. I continue and I stay patient "Because this is right!"

As I concentrate on why this is right and think about why you treat me the way you do sometimes (All the way from the good, the bad and to the indifferent), I think back to the times we've shared in the recent past and one night keeps coming back to me.

About 3 months ago we were having dinner together at The Oasis Cafe and having a nice talk. You were going through a really hard time in your life and was in need of a friend, some clarity and insight. As we sat and ate our dinner, you sighed, smiled and said that this was nice and how much you missed doing things like this with me.

As we spoke I was shocked to learn of some of the things that you were going through. I asked you why you never called me, that I was trying to give you an avenue of release, of a person to talk to, to let things out safely so you can feel better. Being the stubborn person you are you said that you didn't want to be a whiner. I told you that there were many times that I needed to call you, that I needed my friend. There were times I was feeling lonely or sad and just wanted to talk. There were times I wanted to share some exciting news or tell you about the weird thing that happened that day. There were times I just wanted to hear your voice and I told you that I felt like at times that I couldn't call you and that I never wanted you to feel that way. You looked shocked and a little sad about this. You took my hand and told me that I should never feel like I could never call to talk to you. I should never feel that I didn't have a friend in you.

During that same dinner you told me that you wanted to be the friend you would want to have. You offered me money. You said you wanted to help me. I told you I was grateful but I would rather you spend your time with me than your money on me. You wrapped your fingers through  my mine, smiled and said you understood.

One of the last things you said to me that night was, "Amy, don't wait for me. I know you are and you really shouldn't. I want you to promise me that you wont wait for me." All I could do was smile. I took your hand and told you that I can't promise you that. You looked at me with your most serious look and told me again. "Amy, promise you won't wait for me." I returned your serious look and told you again that I will not promise you that. You did something strange and beautiful and funny that reassured me that you got the answer you were looking for. You smiled, laughed, held my hand tighter and called me a nerd.

Over the last few months you've fallen back into a very old cycle.

You are compartmentalizing your life again. I know where this comes from. Your time in the military taught you to keep all the different parts of your life from interconnecting to each other. It's to keep you and those you love safe. From the outside looking in it makes you seem dishonest and secretive. I know you better than most. Most of the time I know you better than you know yourself. It's not that you are being dishonest its just that there are times you don't want to explain anything to anyone.

You said once that our thing was the talk. We talked about everything. We were open and honest about everything we said. Even if it was something either of us didn't want to hear at least we were being honest. Right now I'm tired. I feel like I can't call you just to talk. Its hard to share and to be open and honest when you wont pick up the phone, when you wont give me the full story, when you hide from me.  

When you get in this cycle you're in you end up missing the forest for the trees. You miss the fact that out of everyone I am the only woman who has not gone running for the hills when you get this way. You miss the fact that I have been the one in the background with all the healing, all the love and all the magick.  

One day at the end of June you called me out of the blue and said you knew something was wrong and that you were worried about me. I told you all about my troubles and you came right over. That day we spent an amazing afternoon together. That day you listened to your intuition and listened to your heart. That day you followed the right path. That day was a day we connected again on a higher level. That day you showed me just how comfortable you were around me and told me to let go of my insecurities and to feel comfortable around you as well. That day you feel asleep holding me close and holding my hand and wouldn't let go. That day you let go of your ego and touched your empathy towards a woman you cared about. That day you were fully yourself as you were meant to be.

Somewhere along the way you got stuck in your head and forgot all about your heart. Maybe you feel like you have nothing to offer. Maybe you feel that you will suffer a loss of freedom. Maybe you think I am going to ask to much of you. Maybe you have put an ex's face over mine and maybe because of that you get lost in the past and remember the hurt.

All I have ever asked for is honesty, openness and to get back the respect, importance and love that I have given you.

Please pull yourself out of your head and listen to your heart for a moment.

From the moment I met you I heard your song. I am the only one who can hear that song and it is beautiful. I never cared about money or things or what possessions you may have to offer. 

All I ever cared about is the song you sing that only I can hear.

Tá mé mise agus go bhfuil tú mianach.
Mbaineann muid le gach ceann eile.
Cruthaithe againn an grá i saol eile agus is é ár post chun é a fheiceáil tríd an saol.
Is é an t-am anseo, is é an t-am ceart agus is é an t-am anois.
Is breá liom tú le mo chroí go hiomlán.

"Sirens"
Hear the sirens.
Hear the sirens.
Hear the sirens,
Hear the circus so profound.
I hear the sirens
More and more in this here town
Let me catch my breath to breathe
And reach across the bed
Just to know we're safe
I am a grateful man
The slightest bit of light
And I can see you clear
Oh, have to take your hand
And feel your breath for fear this someday will be over
I pull you close, so much to lose knowing that nothing lasts forever
I didn't care before you were here.
I danced in laughter with the everafter
But all things change
Let this remain
Hear the sirens
Covering distance in the night.
The sound echoing closer.
Will they come for me next time?
For every choice, mistake I've made, it's not my plan
To send you in the arms of another man
And if you choose to stay I'll wait, I'll understand
Oh, it's a fragile thing
This life we lead
If I think too much I can get overwhelmed by the grace
By which we live our lives with death over our shoulders
Want you to know that should I go
I always loved you, held you high above, true.
I study your face, and the fear goes away.
It's a fragile thing, this life we lead.
If I think too much I can get overwhelmed by the grace
By which we live our lives with death over our shoulder
Want you to know that should I go,
I always loved you, held you high above, true.
I study your face, and the fear goes away

Questions

Have I been a good friend to you? 

Have I always treated you with kindness, love, understanding and respect?

Have I always shown you how much you mean to me and just how much I care about you?

Have I always followed through with my promises?

Have I always done the things I said I would do for you?

Have I always been honest and truthful with you?
Have I always accepted you just the way you are? Flaws, Faults and all?

Have I always done everything I could to make you feel wanted, loved and cared for?

If I have failed in any of these things I am sorry. 

With my whole heart I am sorry.

You are my best friend and I would do anything for you just so I knew you were happy. 

All I have ever wanted was to be respected in the same way I respect you.

"Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths, Enwrought with the golden and silver light, The blue and the dim and the dark cloths Of night and light and half-light, I would spread the cloths under your feet But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams beneath your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams..."

 William Butler Yeats

I'm Fabulous

Hello Blogger Land.

So sorry I haven't been around much to fill you up with my Head Fluff this last month or so but things do tend to get a bit busy from time to time. You know how it goes.

Lately I have been feeling alot of weird nasty energy around me and this is unusual for me. I am pretty good at keeping this kind of Junior High Bullshit at bay and out of my bubble. You know the type....A lot of whispering and back talking and nit picking and small pointy jabbing when they think I am not looking or listening. What they don't realize is....I'm always looking and I'm always listening.

At first it hurt. Yes I do have tender feelings, I am a Leo after all, and as I sat here contemplating the why's and wherefore's of the situation a phrase my mother use to say to me came floating into my head...."You got a case of the LBBB'S" (Little Bitty Bitey Bastard's or in my case Bitches!)

Why yes mother, I am covered in LBBB's. Everywhere I turn these last few days I am running into Bitches biting and poking at me behind my back. For the longest time I couldn't understand Why? I am friendly, I am open and honest and very Loyal....then it hit me.....

That Green Eyed Monster thingy...you know....It's called Jealousy.
LBBB's are jealous just for the simple fact that I am utterly and truly FABULOUS!!!!!! Big head.....Not so much, I question myself everyday about who I am and what I am doing with my life. Always questioning that I am making the right decisions for me and my children. I am always wondering what others think of me and how they react to me. Questions Questions Questions.

I am not so fabulous that I am immune to issues in my life. I have had my share of troubles come up in my life and yes, Some of these troubles are worse than others and alot harder to deal with than most people can handle.

However, It's how I deal with all these Questions and Doubts, It is how I deal with my issues and troubles that makes me truly fabulous.

I stay true to ME!!!!! I love who I am, I love what I do and how I do it. I love my knowledge, My quirkiness, my unending energy and my unyielding power to love with my entire being. I bow down to no one and I wont change my attitude or way of self being to suit someon's ideas of who I should be. I am here on this Earth to make the most out of this life I have. I am here for ME!!!!!!

Yes I question myself everyday, But I am also fortunate enough to get answers to my questions, and the answers I get tell me I am on the right path doing the right thing and to let no one AND I mean NO ONE get in my way on my path to true happiness.

I look at the troubles and issues that have been laid at my feet and yes at times they can be tiring and spirit breaking, yet, I cannot and will not let them break me. I look at these challenges as just that...Challenges. Learning Opportunity, A chance to grow and become better than I had been a minute before, a day before, a week before a year before, a lifetime before.

It is this attitude that has helped me to succeed at anything I put my mind to and its that success that make these LBBB's jealous and bitey stabby poky pains in my ass. But its OK, Its just another challenge to help make me a better person with more love in my heart and more patience to deal with these tiny beings who cannot get past there own self doubts and there own questions and challenges. This is helping me to understand why Individuals like this cannot look at the truth of there own lives and do what they need to do to make themselves the best individuals they can be. In a way, I feel sorry for these people who participate in these types of Junior High Antics. There is no chance for them to learn and grow and that is heart breaking.

An old saying comes to mind...."When you assume you make an Ass out of you and me"

And lastly, A snippitt I read on Facebook sums this whole Blog post up nicely.

"Do not worry about people talking "behind your back", it just means that you are one step ahead of them and they are exactly in the right position to bend over and kiss your ass!"

So get out of my way Bitches, I'm Fabulous!!!!!!

The ABC's of Amy

So I found this little bit of fun stuff on many blogs over the last few weeks and I thought...hmm...My turn....so here goes...All about Amy.



A. Age: 37 and I don't wish to discuss this.

B. Bed size: California King...It's massive and oh so comfy

C. Chore you dislike: Dishes, with an all consuming fiery passion of a thousand suns.

D. Dogs: Many in my lifetime but none right now.

E. Essential start to your day: Hot shower and a cold Coke.

F. Favorite color: Green in all it's shades

G. Gold or silver: Sterling Silver or White Gold.

H. Height: 6'1

I. Instruments you play(ed): Classical Cello for over 8 years

J. Job title: Customer Service Rep, Web Site Builder, Mom

K. Kids: 2 wonderful human children and 4 feathery furry babies.


My 17 year old son J.D.


My 14 year old daughter Julie


They really do love each other


My sweet kitty Butch


My sweet kitty Scooter


My little birdie Lenny


My noisy little room mate Mr. Nibbles

L. Live: Utah

M. Mom’s name: Carolyn

N. Nicknames: Ame's, Amos, Blondie, Wench

O. Overnight hospital stays: A few times


P. Pet peeves: Uptight Close minded Condescending Know it all's.

Q. Quote from a movie: "Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?" ~Monty Python and The Holy Grail


R. Righty or lefty: Righty.

S. Siblings: Kelly, Joanie and Holly

T. Tattoo's: My very first and only tattoo I got a week ago and I love her so very very much


U. Underwear: I love very comfy, Very cute boy shorts....No wedgies.

V. Vegetables you don’t like: Way to many to count. it would be easier to tell you about the vegetables I do like

W. What makes you run late: Usually my kids or my lack of wanting to get up out of bed on time.

X. X-rays you've had: Lots. Bad knees, bad kidneys, bad back the car chrash that left 40 stitches in my head


Y. Yummy food you make: My kids pretty much love anything I make from scratch. I love to cook. I would have to say my cheesecake is to die for, JD loves my homemade Pizza and Pasta, Julie loves my Grilled Salmon with oven roasted potatoes and Corn Cakes.

Z. Zoo animal favorites: I hate the zoo. The only zoo I have ever been too was the Hogal Zoo in Salt Lake. It's tiny and small and the poor animals look all cramped and miserable. But I do love the big cats. Mountain Lions especially. (She is my Totem after all.)